In this video, Mikhail Varshavski, DO — who goes by “Doctor Mike” on social media — reacts to surprisingly accurate medical memes.
Following is a partial transcript (note that errors are possible):
Varshavski: It’s kind of a chilly day outside, so I’m just checking out some cool memes.
“When a pregnant woman goes swimming, she is a human submarine.” First of all, it depends if she is submerged or not. Actually, I guess it kind of doesn’t because submarines don’t always have to be submerged. She is a human submarine. It’s factual.
“I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end…” Clown, egg, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, gas, liquid, solid. Man, this is one of those that I’m not going to get, Sam’s going to laugh, you’re going to laugh, and it’s all at my expense. You, dozen, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, even, states of matter. In the end it doesn’t even matter. Oh, there you go. Okay. It’s Linkin Park, right? But why is that? Oh, it’s because it’s the clown, Mike.
Oh my God! Is this Gerber Mountain Dew Baja Blast? I made a mistake and I said somewhere in one of my videos that Sprite or 7UP has caffeine. I apologize for it. I was wrong. It’s Mountain Dew that has caffeine in it. It’s still not healthy for you. Babies do not need caffeine. They have a lot of energy and their energy expenditure is huge because they are growing. They are exploring the world. Their neurons are firing at paces that you couldn’t even comprehend at your age. Unless, of course, you’re a baby.
“You’ve heard of elf of a shelf, but have you heard of…” Esophagus Pharaoh. Carsophagus of esophagus.
Varshavski: Sarcophagus, that’s what it is. That’s cute.
“Me: What are the results? Doctor: you have…” Tunnel fishion?
Sam: That’s pretty good. It’s not what it is.
Varshavski: It’s not?
Sam: That’s pretty good.
Varshavski: It’s a tunnel and there’s fish. Tunnel fishion.
Sam: What kind of fish?
Varshavski: Oh, I don’t … you think I know what kind of fish that is?
Sam: Can you take a guess at some fish types?
Varshavski: Salmon, tuna tunnel, catfish tunnel, carpal tunnel. It’s a carp?
Sam: Carps. Tunnel fishion, I think, is better.
Varshavski: Tunnel fishion is better.
Sam: Tunnel fishion is better.
Varshavski: “Hospital staff shortages are getting out of hand.” I love that only one of the dogs is wearing a mask. You think one of the dogs is an anti-masker?
“Me: *goes to bed *. My nostrils:” Yo, so, so true. Our bedrooms tend to be either over air-conditioned or overheated, which makes them dry, so nostrils seem to clog up. One of my nostrils usually actually doesn’t work. I probably have a deviated septum.
“Botox.” [LAUGHTER] I like wrinkles. It shows wisdom. Smile lines. Say it with me, smile lines.
“Oh, so when other people call their pets ‘fur baby,’ it’s fine. But when I call a kid a ‘skin dog,’ somehow I’m ‘disgusting’ and ‘the worst pediatrician in this hospital?'” Can you imagine if I just walk in, “Hey, skin dog?”
“Me: I believe science. Science: please just don’t use your phone right before bed and right after waking up. It’s literally destroying your circadian rhythm. Me: no.” People pick and choose when they want to listen to science. They may believe it, but they can choose to not listen to it, and that’s the beauty of being human. It goes against science to jump off of a cliff with a squirrel suit, but yet people do it. But that is the beauty of being human. We are infallible creatures. I truly actually don’t even know what infallible means, but it sounded like it worked in that sentence.
Ketchup, tomato, aww, that’s actually … that’s cute. I give that one 10 out of 10 for cuteness. As you know, if you’re a practicing physician or a medical student, we don’t replete with blood unless the patient is actively bleeding, or has a hemoglobin less than 7.
“Has COVID-19 forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time? You may be entitled to condensation.” Not compensation, just condensation. It happens all the time. For some reason, it happens to me a lot in Ubers. Don’t ask why.
“@RealDoctorMike, I’ll leave this one up to you.” Whoa, inappropriate chest compressions. Those are pelvic compressions. Someone’s got to move her up to the sternum, right here where the heart. See the heart?
“You know, it’s a beautiful day. I don’t know why we don’t operate outside more.” Yeah, uncontrolled environment is probably why. That’s what I would go with. No plugs is a second problem. Dirt problem. Imagine like the leaves just getting blown into the abdominal cavity. That would be a bigger problem. A raccoon just runs in and steals the appendix, another big problem.
“A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: Jane ate her friend’s sandwich. Jane ate her friend’s colon.” Yeah. Don’t eat your friend’s colon. I never thought I’d say that on this channel.
“Basic: insulin, insulin injection. Power: allows user to not die. Weakness: dollar signs.” Facts. “Allows glucose to enter body’s cells. Diabetics usually don’t produce insulin. Extremely expensive in U.S.” That is not true about diabetics usually not producing it. Maybe type 1 diabetics that might be true for. And, first of all, I don’t like calling them diabetics. Patients who have type 2 diabetes, they may produce insulin and not have it be effective at the site of the cells. Good Pokémon card, though.
“Humans: born in a hospital. Bears: born in the safety and warmth of a den. Giraffes.” [MUSIC] Are giraffes born in a neck? Why are giraffes born so high up?
“Tanning bed. Select a cancer: basal cell, squamous, melanoma.” Honestly, it’s fairly accurate. The fact that we still have tanning beds, knowing how much cancer they cause, like we have banned things that don’t cause nearly as much harm as tanning beds do. It’s just like, it’s a cancer salon. It really is.
“Neighsal congestion. Post-neighsal drip.” I’m assuming, because horses go neigh? Neighsal, neighsal?
“My brain when I try to make it learn something that I’m not interested in: could not copy files because no.” I swear I have gotten this notification when I couldn’t concentrate late at night and full panic mode set in. If I can’t remember this, I will fail the test. I will not become a doctor. I will not reach the goals that I set for myself. My father will hit me. My Soviet father will hit me. Suddenly, my brain started working. I don’t know why. That fear always worked on this error configuration.
Mike Varshavski, DO, is a board-certified family physician and social media influencer with more than 8.7 million subscribers.